So stay with us
because later this afternoon,

we're lucky enough
to be talking to Anna Scott,

Hollywood's biggest star by far.

Miss Scott's latest film
is once again topping the charts.

Of course l've seen her films...

Of course l've seen her films...

and always thought
she was, well, fabulous.

But, you know, a million, million miles
from the world l live in...

which is here, Notting Hill,
my favorite bit of London.

There's the market on weekdays selling
every fruit and vegetable known to man.

Rock-hard bananas,
five for a pound !

The tattoo parlor
with a guy outside who got drunk...

and now can't remember
why he chose ''l love Ken. ''

The radical hairdressers...

where everyone comes out
looking like the Cookie Monster,

whether they want to or not.

And then, suddenly,
it's the weekend,

and from break of day hundreds
of stalls appear out of nowhere,

filling portobello Road,
right up to Notting Hill Gate.

And wherever you look thousands of
people are buying millions of antiques,

some genuine and some...
not quite so genuine.

And what's great is that lots of friends
have ended up in this part of London.

That's Tony, for example,
architect turned chef,

who recently invested all the money
he ever earned in a new restaurant.

And so, this is where
l spend my days and years...

in this small village in the middle of
the city in a house with a blue door...

that my wife and l bought together
before she left me for a man...

who looked exactly like Harrison Ford.

And where l lead a strange half-life
with a lodger called--

Spike !

You couldn't help me with an incredibly
important decision, could you?

Important compared to, let's say,
whether they cancel Third World debt?

That's right. I am at last going out
on a date with the great Janine,

and I just wanna be sure
I've picked the right T-shirt.

- What are the choices?
- Well, wait for it.

First there's this one.
Cool, huh?

Yeah, it might make it hard
to strike a really romantic note.

Point taken.
Don't despair.

If it's romance we're looking for,
I believe I have just the thing.

Yeah, well, there again, she might not
think you had true love on your mind.

Right.
Just one more.

True love here l come.

Well, yeah. Yeah, that's--
that's, um, perfect.

Great. Thanks.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

And so it was
just another hopeless Wednesday,

as l walked the thousand yards
through the market to work,

never suspecting that this was the day
that was gonna change my life forever.

This is work, by the way,
my little travel bookshop,

- Morning, Martin.
- Morning, Monsignor.

which, um, well, sells travel books,

and, to be frank with you,
doesn't always sell many of those.

Classic.
Profit from major sales push,

minus ~347.

Shall I, uh,
go and get you a cappuccino?

- You know, ease the pain a bit.
- Yeah, yeah.

Better make it a half.
All I can afford.

Get your logic.
Demi-cappu coming right up.

Um, can I help you at all ?

No, thanks.
I'll just... look around.

Fine.

Uh, that book's really not great.

Just in case, you know, browsing turned
to buying. You'd be wasting your money.

But if it's Turkey
you're interested in,

um, this one, on the other hand,
is very good.

Um, I think the man who wrote it has
actually been to Turkey, which helps.

Um, there's also
a very amusing incident with a kebab,

um, which is one
of many amusing incidents.

Thanks.
I'll think about it.

Or, in the bigger hardback variety,
there's--

l'm sorry.
Can you just give me a second?

Excuse me.

- Yes?
- Bad news.

What?

We've got a security camera
in this bit of the shop.

So?

So I saw you put that book
down your trousers.

- What book?
- The one down your trousers.

I don't have a book
down my trousers.

Right.

l tell you what.
Um, l'll call the police, and, um,

if I'm wrong about the whole
''book down the trousers'' scenario,

I really apologize.

Okay. What if... I did
have a book down my trousers?

Well, ideally,
when l went back to the desk,

you'd remove the Cadogan Guide
to Bali from your trousers...

and either wipe it
and put it back or buy it.

I'll see you in a sec.

I'm sorry about that.

No, it's fine.

I was gonna steal one,
but now I've changed my mind.

Oh, signed by the author,
I see.

Um, yeah, couldn't stop him.

If you can find an unsigned one,
it's worth an absolute fortune.

Excuse me.

- Yes?
- Can I have your autograph?

Uh, sure.

- What's your name?
- Rufus.

What does it say?

That's my signature. And above it, it
says, ''Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.''

Good one.

- Do you want my phone number ?
- Tempting.

But... no.
Thank you.

I will take this one.

Oh, right, right.
So, uh--

Well, on second thoughts,
um, maybe it's not that bad after all.

Actually, it's a sort
of a classic, really.

None of those childish kebab stories
you find in so many books these days.

And, um, I tell you what.

I'll throw in
one of those for free.

Useful for, uh, lighting fires,

wrapping fish,
that sort of thing.

- Thanks.
- Pleasure.

Cappuccino, as ordered.

Thanks.

I don't think you'll believe
who was just in here.

Who?
Was it someone famous?

Would be exciting, though,
wouldn't it,

if someone famous
came into the shop? Hmm?

Do you know--
and this is pretty amazing, actually--

but I once saw Ringo Starr.

- Where was that?
- Kensington High Street.

At least I think it was Ringo.

It might have been that man
from Fiddler on the Roof.

- You know, Toppy.
- Topol.

Yes, that's right.
Topol.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, Ringo Starr doesn't--
doesn't look at all like, uh, Topol.

Yeah, but he was--
he was quite a long way away from me.

So actually it could've
been neither of them.

Yes, I suppose so, yes.

- It's not a classic anecdote, is it?
- Not a classic, no. No.

- Another one?
- Yes. No.

Let's go crazy.
I'll have an orange juice.

- Oh, my God !
- Bugger ! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Here. Let me--
- Get your hands off !

l'm really sorry.
l-- l live just over the street.

I have, um, water and soap.
You can get cleaned up.

No, thank you.
I just need to get my car back.

I also have a phone.
I'm confident that in five minutes...

we could have you spick-and-span
and back on the street again.

In the non-prostitute sense,
obviously.

All right. Well-- What do you mean,
'' just over the street'' ?

- Give it to me in yards.
- Uh, 18 yards.

- Give it to me in yards.
- Uh, 18 yards.

That's my house there
with the blue front door.

Come on in.
I'll just-- I'll just--

Um, right. Right.
Come in.

It's, um, not quite as tidy
as it normally is, I fear.

But, um--
The bathroom's on the top floor.

And the telephone's just--
just up here.

Here.
Let-- Let me, um--

Um, round the corner.
Straight on-- straight on up.

Bugger.

Would you like a cup of tea
before you go?

- No.
- Coffee?

- No.
- Orange juice?

Probably not.
Um, something else cold.

Coke? Water ?

Some disgusting sugary drink...

pretending to have something to do
with fruits of the forest?

- No.
- Would you like something to eat?

Uh, something to nibble?

Um, apricots soaked in honey?

Quite why, no one knows, because
it stops them tasting of apricots...

and makes them taste like honey,

and if you wanted honey, you'd just
buy honey instead of... apricots.

Um, but nevertheless,
there we go there.

They're yours if you want them.

Do you always say ''no''
to everything?

I'd better be going.

Thanks for your, uh, help.

You're welcome.

And, uh, may I also say,
um, heavenly.

I'll just take
my one chance to say it.

After you've read
that terrible book,

you're certainly not going
to be coming back to the shop.

Thank you.

Yeah.
Well, my pleasure.

So...

it was nice to meet you.

Surreal but, um-- but nice.

Sorry.

''Surreal but nice'' ?
What was I thinking?

- I forgot my other bag.
- Oh, right. Right.

Thanks.

I'm very sorry about
the ''surreal but nice'' comment.

- Disaster.
- That's okay.

I thought the apricot and honey thing
was the real low point.

Oh, my God.
My flatmate.

I'm sorry.
There's no excuse for him.

I'm just going into the kitchen
to get some food.

Then I'll tell you a story
that will make your balls shrink
to the size of raisins.

Probably best
not to tell anyone about this.

Right. Right.
No one.

I mean, I'll tell myself sometimes.

But don't worry.
I won't believe it.

There's something wrong
with this yogurt.

It's not yogurt.
It's mayonnaise.

Oh, right.
There we are then.

On for a videofest tonight?

I got some absolute classics.

- Smile.
- No.

- Smile.
- I've got nothing to smile about.

Okay.

In about seven seconds,

I'm going to ask you
to marry me.

lmagine.

Somewhere in the world
there's a man who's allowed to kiss her.

Yes, she is, uh,

fairly fabulous.

- Do you have any books by Dickens?
- No.

No, I'm afraid we're a travel bookshop.
We only sell travel books.

Oh, right. How about
the new John Grisham thriller ?

Well, no, 'cause that's, uh--
that's a novel too, isn't it?

Oh, right.

Have you got Winnie the pooh?

Martin, your customer.

Uh, can I help you?

Just, um, incidentally,

uh, why...
are you wearing that?

Combination of factors really.
Uh, no clean clothes.

There never will be, you know,
unless you actually clean your clothes.

Right.
Vicious circle.

And I was, like,
rooting around in your things...

and I found this,
and I thought ''cool.''

Kinda... spacey.

There's something wrong
with the goggles, though.

No, they were, um, prescription.

-Groovy.
-So I could see all the fishes properly.

You should do more
of this stuff.

- So, look, any messages today?
- Yeah, I wrote a couple down.

So there were two.
There were two messages? Right?

You want me to write down
all your messages?

Okay, who are the ones
that you didn't write down from?

No. Gone completely.

Oh, no.
There was one from your mum.

She said don't forget lunch,
and her leg's hurting again.

- No one else?
-Absolutely no one else.

Though if we're going for this obsessive
writing down all the message thing,

some American girl called Anna
called a few days ago.

- What did she say?
- Well, it was genuinely bizarre.

She said, ''Hi. It's Anna.''
Then she said, ''Call me at The Ritz''...

and then gave herself
a completely different name.

- Which was?
- Absolutely no idea.

Remembering one name's hard enough.

No, I-- I know that.
She-- She said that.

Um, I know she's using another name.

The problem is
she left the message with my flatmate...

which was a very serious mistake.

Um, I don't know. Imagine, if you will,
the stupidest person you've ever met.

- Are you doing that?
- Yes, sir, I have him in my mind.

And now double it.
And that is the, um-- what can I say--

the git that I am living with.

And he can't remember--

- Try Flintstone.
- I'm sorry, what?

I think she said
her name was Flintstone.

I don't-- I don't suppose, um,
Flintstone rings any bells, does it?

- Oh, I'll put you right through, sir.
- Oh, my God.

Hello. Hi.

- Hi there.
- Hello?

- Sorry. It's William... Thacker.
- Yes?

Um, we-- I work in a bookshop.

Oh, no, I promise you I've never played
anything cool in my entire life.

My flatmate, who'll I'll stab to death
later, never gave me the message.

I don't know.
Perhaps, um,

I could drop round
for tea later or something.

Right. Right. Great.

Classic.

Classic.

- Which floor ?
- Three, please.

Uh, are you sure this is--

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.

- Hi. Hi. I'm Karen.
- Hi.

I'm sorry.
Things are running a little bit late.

Here's the, uh, thing.
Do you wanna come this way?

Through here.

So what did you
think of the film?

Yeah, I thought it was fantastic.
I thought it was, uh,

Close Encounters
meets Jean de Florette.

I agree.

I'm sorry. I didn't get down
what magazines you're from.

- Time Out.
- Great.

And you're from?

Horse & Hound.

The name's William Thacker. I think,
actually, she might be expecting me.

Oh, okay.
Take a seat and I'll go check.

I see you've, uh--
I see you've brought her some flowers.

These are for my,
um, grandmother.

She's in a hospital
just down the road.

Thought I'd kill two birds
with one stone, you know.

Sure, right.
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Which hospital's that?

Do you mind me not saying?
It's a rather distressing disease.

Name of the hospital
kind of gives it away.

Right, uh, Mr. Thacker.
Will you come this way.

Right.

You've got five minutes.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Uh, I brought these, but clearly--

No, they're great.
They're great.

Ah, listen,
I'm sorry about not ringing back.

The whole ''two-names concept''...

was totally too much for my flatmate's
pea-sized intellect.

No, it's a stupid privacy thing.
I always pick a... cartoon character.

Last time I was Mrs. Bambi.

- Everything all right?
- Yes, thank you.

And you're from, uh,
Horse & Hound.

Is that so? Well.

So, uh--

Uh, I'll just... fire away then,
shall I ?

Right.

The film's great, and, um,

I just was wondering whether...

you ever thought of having, um,

more, uh, horses in it.

Uh, well, we would have liked to,

but it was, um, difficult,
obviously, being set in space.

Space, right, yeah.
Yeah, obviously very difficult.

I'm so sorry.
I arrived outside.

They thrust this thing
into my hand--

No, it's my fault.
I thought this would all be over by now.

I just wanted to sort of apologize
for the kissing thing.

I seriously don't know
what came over me.

And I just wanted to make sure
that you were fine about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely fine.

Do remember that Miss Scott is also
keen to talk about her next project...

which is, um, shooting
later in the summer.

Ah, yes, excellent.
Excellent.

Any horses in that one?

Or hounds for that matter. Our readers
are equally intrigued by both species.

It takes place on a submarine.

Oh. Well, bad luck.

But, um,

if there were horses in it,

would you be riding them...

or would you be getting, a--
a stunt-horse-double-man-thing?

I-I'm a complete moron.
I apologize. I--

This is very weird. It's the sort
of thing that happens in dreams,

not in real life.

I mean, good dreams.
It's a--

It's a dream, in fact,
uh, to see you again.

What happens next in the dream?

I suppose in the, uh, dream--

dream scenario--
I just, uh,

change my personality...

because you can do that
in dreams and, um,

walk over and, uh, kiss the girl.

But, uh--

Time's up, l'm afraid.
Did you get what you wanted?

- Um, nearly, nearly.
- Well, maybe just one last question.

- Um, nearly, nearly.
- Well, maybe just one last question.

- Sure.
- Right, right.

Are you... busy tonight?

- Yes.
- Right. Right.

- Come in.
- Well, it was nice to meet you.

Yes, and you.

Surreal... but nice.

Thank you. You are Horse & Hound's
favorite actress.

You and Black Beauty...

tied.

How was she?

Oh, um, fabulous.

Excellent. Wait a minute.
She took your grandmother's flowers.

Uh, yeah, yeah.
That's right.

- Bitch.
- Oh, Mr. Thacker.

Mr. Thacker, if you'd like to come with
me, we can rush you through the others.

The others?

Mr. Thacker is from Horse & Hound.

- How's it going?
- Very well, thank you.

Have a seat.

Well, did you enjoy the film?

Yes, enormously.

- Well, fire away.
- Right.

Did you enjoy making the film?

- Yes, I did.
- Good.

Any bit in particular ?

You tell me what bit
you enjoyed the most,

and I'll tell you
if I enjoyed making that bit.

Uh, I...

liked the bit in space...

very much.

Did you identify with the character
you're playing?

Oh. Why not?

Because he's playing
a psychopathic flesh-eating robot.

Classic.

So, uh,

is this your first film?

No. It's my 22nd.

Of course it is.
Any favorites among the 22?

Working with Leonardo.

- Da Vinci ?
- DiCaprio.

Of course.

And is-- is he your favorite
Italian director ?

- Mr. Thacker.
- Oh, no.

- Have you got a minute?
- No.

Um-- Yeah, so the, um--

the-- the thing I was doing tonight,
I'm not doing anymore.

I told them I had
to spend the evening...

with Britain's premier
equestrian journalist.

Oh. Well, great.

Fantastic.
That's, uh--

Oh. Shittity brickitty.

It's my sister's birthday. Shit.
We're meant to be having dinner.

- Okay, that's fine.
- No. I'm sure I can get out of it.

No, I mean, if it's fine with you,
I'll be your date.

You--
You'll be my date...

to my little sister's
birthday party?

- If it's all right.
- Well, yeah, l'm sure it's all right.

My friend Max is cooking,

and he is generally acknowledged
to be the worst cook in the world.

But, um, you know, you could hide
the food in your handbag or something.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- He's bringing a girl ?
- Miracles do happen.

- Does the girl have a name?
- Don't know. Wouldn't say.

Oh, Christ !
What is going on in there?

Oh, God !

Hi. Come on in.
Vague food crisis.

Hiya ! Sorry.

The guinea fowl is proving
more complicated than expected.

- He's cooking guinea-fowl ?
- Don't even ask.

Good Lord,
you're the spitting image of--

Bella, this is Anna.

- Right.
- Okay, crisis over.

Max, this is Anna.

- Hi.
- Hello, Anna--

Scott.
Have some wine.

Thank you.

I'll get it.

Red or white?

- Oh. Hey.
- Hi.

- Oh, yes, happy birthday.
- Thank you.

Look, your brother's
brought this girl.

Hi, guys.

Oh, holy fuck !

Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey.
She's my baby sister.

Oh. Hi.

Oh, God. This is one
of those key moments in life...

when it's possible
you can be really genuinely cool...

and I-- I'm going to fail
just a hundred percent.

I-- I absolutely,
totally and utterly adore you.

And I just think... you are
the most beautiful woman in the world.

And, more importantly,
I genuinely believe,

and I've believed for some time now,
that we could be best friends.

So what do you think?

Uh, lucky me.

Well, happy birthday.

Oh, you gave me a present.
We're best friends already then.

Marry Will. He's a really nice guy.
Then we can be sisters.

Well, I'll think about it.

That'll be Bernie.

- Hi.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Bollocksed up at work again, I fear.

- Millions down the drain.
- Well done.

- Bernie, this is Anna.
- Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.

-And you.
-Honey bunny, Happy birthday to you

- Hi, Bella.
- Hi.

Um, it-- it-- it's a hat.
You don't have to wear it or anything.

- Hi, Will.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- What?

- Wine, Bernie?
- Mm.

You haven't slept with her, have you?

That is a cheap question, and
the answer is, or course, no comment.

- No comment means ''yes.''
- No, it doesn't.

- Do you ever masturbate?
- Definitely no comment.

- You see, it means ''yes.''
- Oh, my God !

So, uh, tell me,
um, Anna, what do you do?

- I'm an actress.
- Oh, splendid.

What do you do?

I'm actually in the stock market myself,
so, uh, not really similar fields.

Though, um-- um, I have done
the odd bit of amateur stuff.

Um-- uh, P. G. Wodehouse.
Farce, all that, you know.

''Careful there, Vicar.''

Always imagined it's a pretty tough job,
though, acting.

- The wages are a scandal, aren't they?
- They can be.

I see friends from university--
clever chaps.

Been in the business longer than you.

They're scraping by on seven,
eight thousand a year.

You know, it's no life.

- What sort of acting do you do?
- Films, mainly.

Oh, splendid. Oh, well done.
How's the pay in movies?

I mean, last film you did,
what did you get paid?

Fifteen million dollars.

Right.

So that's, well, fairly good.

Right, l think we're ready.

Bella, can you tell me
where I can find--

Oh, sorry.
It's down the corridor on the right.

I'll show you.

Quickly, quickly.
Talk very, very quickly.

What are you doing here
with Anna Scott?

- Anna Scott?
- Yes. Shut up !

- What, the film star ?
- Shh !

- Oh, God !
- What?

- Oh, God. Oh, goddy God.
- What did you say to her ?

I don't believe it.
I actually walked into the loo with her.

I was still chatting
when she started unbuttoning her jeans.

- She had to ask me to leave.
- Oh, God.

So you knew who she was?

Of course I did, but he didn't.

Well, not instantly, but I-- I--
I got away with it.

- What do you think of the guinea-fowl ?
- I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, God.

So, how's the guinea-fowl ?

Best guinea-fowl
I've ever tasted.